Wow... I really feel like a fail today.

3 months.
3 ENTIRE months.
3 months of pure hell, and when I thought I had finally gotten over it, no.
3 months later. Here I am. Doing it again.
The one time I *really* try to not do it, even though the urges are unbearable.
I do it.
And everyone wonders why I feel like such a failure at life...
What's worse is I don't know what made me snap so hard, or so fast.
I just can't believe that after all that time, I would even THINK about actually doing it again.
Of course I always thought about it, but I never did it.
Only in fear of getting caught.
People have worse problems than me, I have *nothing* to be depressed about.
Or, at least that's what my parents want me to believe.
God, I thought I had gotten this under control.
Another bad aspect is I did it in a noticeable place.
8 cuts.
Not 7 not 9.
8.
OCD much? (CDO)
Fail, insane, horrid, god-forsaken, brat.
That's what I am.
....
So yeah that's the end of my rant today.....

:/ This has been a facepalm of a week...

So this week? EPIC facepalm.
Oh, now great, people are pissed at me .
What did I do..?
I got upset of something interpreted wrong, because I was upset about something else.
And then told someone else and they ended up yelling at the person thats mad at me.
Now, I feel like I wish I was never born.
All this proves is that I cause people pain.
I feel bad about it... but the person, doesn't seem to realize that I am.
Do I feel horrid? Yes.
Should I feel horrid? Yes.
but what should I do with this horrid feeling?
It's not going to go away..
It's not going to disappear...
AHHH SHIIAATTT
I have to go down to the guidance counsler...
I don't wanna go. I feel guilty enough.
What does she want?
I dunno... probably for scheduling....
Still, I've told people too much.
She's probably going to send my to the hospital....
Scared? Yes I am.....
Oh God, I feel like I'm going to vomit... and then cry... and then vomit some more...
What the hell am I going to do?
I dunno, but theres gotta be something I can do to calm down...
GOD I AM SO DONE.

Poems from a Wanna-Be Poe....

Teh Link!


^So, that wonderful link right there? It will take you to the curious land of WattPad.com.
Probably the best writing site, EVA.
Where I write...
and stuff.
So here's 2 of the poems I've written...
Hope you like them (:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Withdraw.




The walls turn.
Faces start to appear.
Any noises make you jump out of your skin.
The sight of people you love,
Makes you scream.
Everything hurts when you touch it.
The pain you used to love,
Actually starts to hurt.
Demons appear.
Ghosts come alive.
Vampires come to get you.Something gets louder.
It sounds like a train.
Then you realize.
You.
Need.
It.
It's just that simple.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dreams




There's someone in my dreams.
He makes them wonderful.
Yet, he makes them worse.
I want to hate him.
Oh, I want to hate him so much.
Will I?
No.
Should I?
Yes.
Can I?
Never.
I will always love him.
memories will be brought up by the smallest things.
Good ones.
And bad.
One's that will make me cry
And others that will make me laugh.
But all of them will make me think of him and bring that familiar pain back.
His smile.
His laugh.
The worried look he'd give me,
When he knew I was holding everything back.
The way he would hold me,
Until I told him everything.
But now, all I want is for him to get out of my head.
For good.
So someone else can take his place.
And not leave me open to heartbreak.
Is it an impossibility?
Probably.
But I can hope...
Right?

:D I feel... known!!

Okay, so I was walking through the hallway, minding my own business,
And this chick (Melissa Alexander whom is running for Secretary) walked up to me and was like,
"Hey! You wanna sticke-HEY! Your Mattie! Stacey's rookie for guard!"
I was all like..."^3^ Yesh I am!"
(: I was all like, YESHHH!!!!!
I was so excited! No one cares about the guard rookies....(:
Which is MEEEE!
(Your right, no one cares.)
D:> Don't make me die again.
(D: Don't DIEEEE!!!!)
See you do care:]
(...DAMN)
HA!! Win!!!
By the way, I would just like to point out...
I love you more, Michael!!!!!!
Yes, Michael and I have fights about whom loves whom more xD
But of course everyone knows I love him with all my butt!
And it's MUCH bigger than his heart or butt (:<
(Hmm... maybe you win... for once...)
-.- I win ALL the time.
Oh yeah, I am now obsessed with Animal: Neon trees (:
"Here we go again, I wanna be more than friends...."
*HINT HINT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE*
(Dx Stop being a chicken pervert-face and just them them about the like FOUR different guys your falling for already >.<)
NEVA! DEY ARE MY SECRETS!
(You know someone else is going to get them if you don't..)
)': I know... But-
(But what? You know I'm right.)
I know... I loathe that fact though....
(And you also loathe me, but you tell me everything)
BECAUSE YOUR IN MY HEAD!
Oh yea! Someone sent me a question on Formspring...
And it was all like: "Which is worse? Loving someone that doesn't love you, loving someone that*i don't remember the rest but I remember the last one...*
"Loving the friend of someone that loves you?"
I was all like...
*heartbroken </////3*
(Why...?)
I thought you would know! Your in my head!
(You block things out...from everyone)
SHUT UP! I ALREADY KNOW THIS!
(...)
-.- I had a suspicion of something...
(Of what..?)
NOTHING!
(What..?)
Nu! ): I'll be upset!!... and it's only Biology!
(TELL ME!!)
No! Because, didn't you see my dream last night?!
(Oh yeah....)
Yeah, THAT dream.
(That was so sad! I cried too! )':   )
Good! I wasn't the only one!
:D Hahahahaha, Dr. Mullen...
You a-makin' meh laugh.
"I dislike sparkily shirts, it's to flashy... Mr. Green likes it too much -.-"
I LUFF YOU DR. MULLEN!!
xD
Well... bai b-
XD Dr. Mullen, you make my life.
"Oh sh*t, I forgot to send in attendance. OH SH*T! I mean...crap?"
xD
Okie, okie
Bye bye!
(finally.....)
-.-

~Mattie

So... life?

So... life...
Who the *HELL* does it think it is!?!
Oh yeah... it's life...
Anywho, does it think it's funny to make me hurt about EVERYTHING?!
Because it's not!
(Yes it is)
Shut up brain! Er... Squirt! Uh... Whatever I named you!
(NEVA!)
-.- Thanks.
^ Oh yeah, that face, right there, got in me in some depressing mood.
THANK YOU EMOTION-CON! >.<
Don't ask why, I don't know why either....
GOD I'M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
>.< So, what should one do when they think they like someone but they can't do anything about it?
Because I am so lost with this question...
I do loathe Hebrew Scriptures...
(Why are you blogging in class)
BECAUSE IT'S CHILL!
(Right... >.>)
SHUT UP SQUIRT!
(NEVA! BWHAHA!)
Gr...
(Hey aren't you getting creeped on?)
Oh yeah!
So there's this one girl in my class.
And I mean shes in ALL my classes.
It's kinda weird because we were on the same track team last year.
And I somewhat talked to her, but not really.
Now she keeps talking to me one Skype, because we are in the same English group.
So here's who she started talking to me.
Her-"U r a good actor"
Me-"Well thank ya :DD"
and so on, I'm to lazy to type anything else.
Plus Mr. -pervert-face- Green is creeping!
GAH!
Ewww
Wow.
Now I'm in Math...
ICKY~
I dislike math!
(Yeah that's why your failing it)
-.- Suck my non-existent... ya know what? Nevermind....
(Yeah that's right)
**dies**
(Huh?)
**is still dead**
(Nooo!!!)
**is dead**
(Ugh, fine. This is the end of this blog, hope you like it! :D)